TP Crisis - May 15, 2020

For over a year now, I’ve been collecting consumption data on a socially and hygienically necessary, valuable and most comforting commodity to never, ever, ever run out of—toilet paper (TP)!

In the interest of supporting my hobby of being space-conscious and frugal, though not to the point of using old catalogs and corn cobs, I really wanted to buy TP in a cost-efficient manner. The problem is, unlike most consumable goods and groceries that state a cost per standardized unit of measure, such as cost per pound or per gallon, TP is stated in cost per sheet. What the heck is a sheet in terms of a unit of measure? It has variations such as single-ply, double-ply, quilted, soft, strong, rapid-dissolving, long lasting, and even the size and number of sheets on a roll vary. In other words, a sheet is an entirely useless unit of measure. So, my solution, persnickety perhaps, is to weigh each roll and, later, weigh its cardboard core, thereby, scientifically and impartially establishing the cost per gram of usable product.

Well, maybe I don’t care about TP mass anyway, because what I really want to know is how much TP I spend per unit of time, such as cost per month. Well, in this time of the COVID-19 pandemic, I could not find my subject brand, so, my research, like the rest of the economy, classrooms, and TP buying sprees, is on hold. When we can buy any of the many brands of TP again, considering consumption with the merits of science, I will rejoice in the comforts of TP reliance.